She Appears Composed

University break is too long. I want to go back; I'm sick of everyone here already. Only three weeks left.

So. I haven't been sleeping much lately. Not through the night, anyway. I was exhausted yesterday, having trudged across campus three times in the pouring rain, so I passed out at about 12. I woke up at three and couldn't go back to sleep. My 9am class was basically worthless because I've already taken notes on the first four chapters....and the class is only on Ch 1. Yesterday's classes weren't bad; my Avant-Garde film TA is kind of cute. He smiles a lot, I think reflexively, when he looks at the class. Which makes me realize that I don't smile much. Anyway. He's got a Mohawk and is probably all of 25, which means I really can't respect him as a teacher. I'm used to the age difference and have seen my own sister as a TA, so it just feels odd that I'm being taught by someone in that age group. But anyway. I hate being new on campus. I hate that I had to transfer, though I like the fact that my GPA got me a full scholarship, basically.

I'm in a bad mood, which isn't helped by the fact that I have to work all day Saturday.

Woohoo.

Soundtrack to my life. Yes, I know it's dumb and completely randomized a la iTunes, but whatever.


Opening credits: Learning to Fly, Pink Floyd
Waking up: Instant Karma, John Lennon
Average day: Run, Snow Patrol
First date: In My Place, Coldplay
Falling in love: That Dress Looks Nice On You, Sufjan Stevens
Love scene: Analyse, Thom Yorke
Fight scene: Myxomatosis, Radiohead
Breaking up: Another Travelin' Song, Bright Eyes
Getting back together: In the Waiting Line, Zero 7
Secret love: Young Lust, Pink Floyd
Life's okay: Breakdown, Jack Johnson
Mental breakdown: I Can't, Radiohead
Driving: One Headlight, Wallflowers
Learning a lesson: Road to Joy, Bright Eyes
Deep thought: Keep It Together, Guster
Flashback: In Your Mind, Built to Spill
Partying: Angel, Massive Attack
Happy dance: London Calling
Regretting: The Sounds of Silence, Simon and Garfunkle
Long night alone: We Both Go Down Together, Decemberists
Death scene: Waltz # 2, Elliot Smith
Closing credits: Volcano, Damien Rice

I didn't have to work today, which was fine. I actually like my job now; faking walking pneumonia to get out of that nanny job is the best thing I've done in awhile. I met a few more people last night, which was cool. One's an first year in college, the other is a senior in high school. I feel old, almost, as I'm a sophomore. Speaking of which, I go back on the second,and I've found out the name of my roommate and such. She's called Lulu, which is good because her real name is ridiculously hard to pronounce; I'm not even going to attempt it. I've also been losing sleep all over the place; last night was worthless. I'm starting to feel it now. When I get up the room spins, and I've got that weird mounting exhaustion feeling creeping into my consciousness, along with myoclonic jerks every once in awhile. Whatever. I'm supposed to meet Shana tomorrow at some point, which sucks because I have to drive there and she never even offers to cover the gas it takes. I'm going to try to sleep. Maybe I'll actually get there tonight.

So. I haven't actually slept in three days. Last night was....interesting. Shana and Kristen came over; we drank really, really cheap vodka, then went on a drunken walk. The town's a lot more interesting at night when you're plastered, I must say. I had to go to work today, which was fine because I had plenty of time to sober up; except I couldn't sleep. I tried to go to bed at around one or so, and it just didn't work. It was the weirdest feeling, going from drunk to sober. I got up in the middle of the night (actually, like 5 in the morning) because I thought my alarm had gone off.....turned out to be my imagination. Kristen really pissed me off because she tried to insist on driving home; I told her absolutely not,the whole point of her drinking at my house was for her to sleep there. So I hid her keys, then called her mom and told her she'd started throwing up and needed to stay over--mind you, I did this while the room spun around me. I'm such a lightweight; I had maybe 3 shots.

In other news, Steph's gone back to Indiana, which sucks. She and I get along (it helps that she's the most sane member of my family.)I miss her, which is weird for me, because I never usually miss anything. I say I do, but I'm usually relieved just to be left alone. I really, really need to get some sleep. I'm going to try now; I have to be relatively presentable for work tomorrow.

It's really fun getting stung by a wasp/hornet/yellow jacket. Whatever the hell it was, it hurt. It was even more fun when the venom spread to the surrounding muscle. I now have a six-inch area of muscle that itches like crazy and feels like its been injected with botox. Ugh. I'm bored. Shana, Kristen and I went running the other night, at like 8:30. It was nice to run in the cool after it'd been so hot these past few days. After than we jumped in the lake, which felt soooooo good. Driving home was the worst part. Sandy and Ken (they don't feel like parents) are beyond reconciliation, and I'm still wedged in between. Sandy's moving, actually. It's a nice place, and we're apparently getting a dog, (it's a mystery who'll take care of the thing when I'm at school, but whatever. I've already called naming it. It's going to be Artemis, for a girl or boy.) I find out whether I get the job at the week, which is good. Then I'll be gone, away to Amherst.

I've fallen in love with Elliot Smith; Waltz # 2 is one of those songs where the beat is cheerful, but the song itself is about a complete lack of hope.

Gee....that sounds familiar.

Yesterday I found myself floating--no, that's a word that suggest a gentle, lazy ride down a placid river--rushing down the Farmington river. Neither Steph nor I are experts--or even all that adequate--in rowing, but she insisted. So forty-five minutes in, we're coming over the first rapids...and we go over a rock that has left my ass with a lovely bloom of dark blue and purple colors. Along with a few scrapes from gigantic rocks that somehow hide themselves, waiting for the unsuspecting swimmer, I'm rather beaten up. Putting a cherry on top of the situation, a few (I suspect) drunken guys on inner tubes floated by, calling me Pocahontus because my hair was in a braid. Wow...what keen intellects. Anyway...she tried to talk me in to going camping today, but I put my foot down. Nature's fine, but I'm not going to have it shoved down my throat...not to mention the fact that I go into withdrawals if I'm away from my computer for more than 12 hours.

In other news, I looked at my phone and saw the carrier is now AT&T. I know they merged, but when the hell did the cingular carrier banner disappear?



Wow....I'm boring.

When I fell asleep, it started as a normal dream. I was laying on a blanket outside in the sun. Then all of a sudden my arm started feeling itchy; I scratched at it, but nothing helped. Then, things started to move around under the surface. I started freaking out and ran to find my Dad, but he wouldn't bring me to the doctor's. I think I screamed or something, because Steph came in and shook me awake. I had been sleeping with my head cradled in my arm, in a position where my eyelashes were just touching my arm--and I was in REM sleep, so they were moving. I still can't shake off that creepy feeling, though. I wonder what the symbolism means.

I’m so hazy lately. I get frustrated and angry so easily; I can’t stand emotion anymore. I honestly can’t remember the last time I cried. I can’t focus either; I can’t watch movies anymore without wanting to fast forward; I skip to the end of books because I get so restless. Why can’t I focus? I can write papers, I can get 4.0s, but I can’t sit still long enough to finish The Graduate. All I do lately is run and sleep. I see Shana and Kristen sometimes, but even then I feel antsy. I have to move, have to keep going. I’m not bi-polar, I’m not even really all that depressed—I’ve just become static. Stagnant.

It doesn’t help that the parents are at each other’s throats, and I’m forced (once again) to play peacekeeper, mediator and referee. But I’m used to it. What else can I do? I take refuge in leaving—September 2nd isn’t coming fast enough.

When does life start?

Lately, my inner monologue has been directed at why I dislike my United States heritage (American would include Mexico and Canada, as NA is a continent, not a country). First things first: the accents. I was lucky enough to escape somewhat unscathed, as Ct has no real accent. Obviously, I speak differently than those in other regions, but what I mean to say is that I have no identifiable regional accent. You can't pin me to a map.

The next reason is fairly obvious: Bush was elected. Twice. The ignorance I see every day is staggering; I look around in fear at a mass of people who follow their leader blindly, too absorbed to question obviously immoral dealings. At the same time, my rights as a woman are being encroached upon as I type.

Americans are also xenophobic; they live in constant fear of outside threats because that's what is fed to them day in and day out.

The poor are suffering more than ever here, and health care is laughable. Education is all the more expensive, and job placement is at a lull.

Obviously, there's too much to go into right now, but I just had to get my thoughts out of my head before they drove me insane.

I just have to concentrate on getting out. My BA is my ticket to any good law school outside of this country. I plan to get away.

But I'm conflicted sometimes, because I like some things. I love getting in my car and seeing the scenery; I love Massachusetts in the fall. But this aesthetic appreciation is heavily outweighed by my need to leave.

Ugh. I'll write more later.

Just got back from Umass. Picked my classes, etc. God, the campus is huge. Soooo much bigger than Arcadia. I almost wish I had gone here first.

Anyway.

The drive home was ridiculous; rain obscured everything to the point where I couldn't see a foot in front of me. The amount of hydroplaning increased exponentially as I went along, specifically because 91 is under construction, and a large portion isn't freaking paved. Visibility is awful, my car is swaying in the wind and being pulled by shitty pavement,and yet PEOPLE STILL PASSED ME GOING 80. Then, of course, just as I passed the exit for route 20, Mom calls and tells me to take the Bradley exit, because apparently, there's a tornado bearing down on Hartford. (Which there wasn't, by the way.) So I lied to her and told her I got off, when in reality I stayed on 84 into Farmington. Haha. By the time I got home, I was almost asleep at the wheel. The only thing keeping me up was the fact that I had to pee, thanks to a liter of diet Pepsi--and the fact that it took three hours to get home, instead of 1.

I'll write more later, I'm going to try to sleep through the afternoon to catch up.

Just a beginning note: I love my new car. It's beautiful and amazing. It's a Pontiac G5....it's black, and it's my baby.

Aaaaand now the journal entry begins.


I (kid you not) cursed the heavens today. (It's almost as fun to say that as it actually is to do said cursing.) Anyway. The story behind the whole cursing incident is this: It was like 8:30 and I was running on th track near my Dad's. It was so nice, getting all cool and dusky. The scenery at that school is amazing, all rippling hills and endless blue sky dotted with rolling clouds. Then out of nowhere, the sky just opens up in a torrential downpour. Did I stop running? Of course not; I'm stubborn enough to give myself pneumonia if I can burn a few calories. Anyway, the rain kept on and so did I, for about another forty minutes. After that, I kind of stripped in my car down to a sports bra and shorts when I noticed what I really hope was a janitor staring at me from inside the school. Creepy. I've decided to switch to running either really early or in the middle of the day from now on. Or I could go on the hill right next to me, which is probably more efficient/beneficial anyway. Shana and Kristen invited me for ice cream yesterday.  Last night was so fun.......driving down 44 with lit sparklers (having lit them in the car) is much more amusing than one would think....that and our 'espionage'......that's going to the grave.
I'm going to try to sleep tonight; we'll see how it goes.
 
As Radiohead would say,

Immerse your soul in love.

My Jetta sits innocuously in my driveway. For all intents and purposes, it seems like a normal car. In reality, it's a trigger that sends my homeostasis running for the hills. The very thought of driving said car makes my palms sweat. My heart picks up speed and signals the release of adrenaline into my bloodstream. This car makes me despise hills--and stoplights/stop signs/rotaries. How can a car have this much sway on my mental status and biochemistry? Two reasons: 1) The clutch 2) The shifter. The thought of stalling haunts my thoughts as I start the car and shift into first; I am plagued with fear that debilitates my ability to drive the car in the first place. I fear driving, thus I cannot drive. Ugh, I have to go. I think it's staring at me through the window.

Uh, I haven't slept in four days. I'm not tired yet, but the room tends to spin slightly as I get up--or even look around. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just sleep like a normal person? I'm freaking my parents out over my lack of sleep, which just results in scrutiny that I could live without. Not to mention they're basically forcing me to go to Umass. I've got a better scholarship there, and they keep telling me they think I'll be happier in Mass. Why can't I just to to Uconn? It's an amazing school, and I have friends there. Fuck, you know? Sometimes I wonder if I'm living my own life or if my parents are living vicariously through me. I'm signing off for the night. Oh yeah; it's my birthday tomorrow. Woo hoo. Happy birthday to me.

Well, since it seems that this may be the night that never ends, I'll write more. I've noticed a few things about myself in my constant wakefulness;
1)My left hand falls asleep when I'm online at night.
2) I can no longer watch an entire movie without fast-forwarding....I think I may have add.
3) If I do ever drift off to sleep, I can almost always tell the exact moment I slip into unconscious thought: My thoughts begin to 'move' by themselves--I won't need to think them anymore; they'll act as sovereign identities.
4) I sit in the most uncomfortable positions while internet surfing; for example: legs bent at 90 degrees and tucked in to the right; torso leaning over knees.
5) I bite my cuticles until my fingers bleed--unconsciously.
6) I think I'm much more intelligent at night than I am in the day.
7) When I shift into first gear, I grip the wheel for dear life, praying for the transmission to catch the engine and not stall.
8) It's dangerous to be funny when I'm drinking, as I have a tendency to choke and/or spit whatever happens to be in my mouth all over my respective environment.
9) Because of my recent acquisition of a standard car, I've come to d-e-s-p-i-s-e hill--and I live in Connecticut.
10) I have a tendency to want to disappear for extended periods of time.
11) Excessive tylenol pm dosage is the closest I've ever been to tripping.
12)I talk in my sleep--loud enough to wake myself up.
13) I'm always early; it's intrinsic to my nature.
14) I dislike kids.........but I'm a nanny.
15) I get nostalgic for a time that really wasn't that great.
16) I bite my lips when I sleep, hard enough so that when I wake up, my teeth are indented/cut into my bottom lip.
17) I wish my parents would act like parents, instead of forcing an eight-year-old to grow up.
This growing up at the tender age of eight, followed by years or mental abuse, makes me the adult I am today. I have no interest in drugs, and only occasionally drink. I'm not like other teenagers, and I never will be. I've always had responsibility; I've always been hyper-aware of myself. This forced growth may explain why stereotypes about me or my generation annoy the piss out of me.
No, I'm not spoiled. I've worked since I was 13 years old. Sometimes hundred hour weeks. In school, I have a 4.0. I don't cheat. I study hard, and those are the results. I'm going into a field I don't particularly want to be in, but I'm not good enough at what I'm passionate about. I could never be a writer, and I know it. So, I'll be a lawyer. And a fucking amazing one at that, but I'll feel nothing about it.
Okay, this is weird. I'm sitting up, but I feel like the room is spinning.....and I'm sitting still.
Weird.
On that note, I'm signing off.

So. My first year of college is over, and how do I feel about it? Uh...bored. College is just....college. It's everything you expect and dread at the same time. Exhibit 1: College promises the development of autonomy--then takes away your car. Makes total sense, I know. Anyway. In recent news, my EN 102 professor called my presentation 'badass' which basically ensures me an A....as well as my other papers. I know I'll get As in all of my classes; I'm just worried about my ethnographic film final. Whatever. I'm just glad it's over. Also, I just realized that I have to get up in an hour and a half to go to Mom's, where Aunt Margaret will pick me up to go to my 'job interview' tomorrow, even though I basically have the babysitting job in the bag. Anyway, I'll post later.
Luvs

It's 3:33 in the morning. I've taken four (4)--count 'em, four tylenol pm, and still nothing resembling sleep has leaked into my bloodstream. So, I have three song recommendations this week: They Are Night Zombies! They Are Neighbors! They Have Come Back From the Dead! (Which may just be the best song title----ever) by Sufjan Stevens, Army, and Not the Same, by Ben Folds. All these songs are amazing, and they belong on any good mix. Well....what's new? I basically start some sort of job as soon as I get home. Woofuckinghoo. No much-needed break for me, unfortunately. Well, I need to finish the final I've been procrastinating all week.
Luvs.

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Ashley
Birthday: 24 May 1988
Birthplace: Connecticut
Current Location: Glenside, Pa
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Height: 5'6
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right
Your Heritage: German, French, English, Irish, Native American
The Shoes You Wore Today: American Eagle clogs
Your Weakness: Gum
Your Fears: Failing a class, death of friend/family member
Your Perfect Pizza: No cheese...just sauce and veggie
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Straight As
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: OMG! LOL!
Thoughts First Waking Up: What time is it?
Your Best Physical Feature: Eyes
Your Bedtime: Never
Your Most Missed Memory: I don't know....if I've missed it right?
Pepsi or Coke: Diet Pepsi
MacDonalds or Burger King: Neither
Single or Group Dates: Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Neither
Chocolate or Vanilla: vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee: Cappucino
Do you Smoke: no
Do you Swear: like a sailor
Do you Sing: always
Do you Shower Daily: sometimes more
Have you Been in Love: Don't believe in it
Do you want to go to College: Already there.
Do you want to get Married: no
Do you belive in yourself: sometimes
Do you get Motion Sickness: never
Do you think you are Attractive: I have no idea
Are you a Health Freak: kind of....but I negate it with my diet pepsi habits.
Do you get along with your Parents: Most of the time
Do you like Thunderstorms: Love.
Do you play an Instrument: Guitar (Ovation celebrity)
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: yes
In the past month have you Smoked: no
In the past month have you been on Drugs: no
In the past month have you gone on a Date: kinda
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: yes
In the past month have you been on Stage: no
In the past month have you been Dumped: no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: no
Ever been Drunk: Yes.
Ever been called a Tease: kinda
Ever been Beaten up: no
Ever Shoplifted: no
How do you want to Die: painlessly
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Lawyer
What country would you most like to Visit: Italy or France
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: Brown or Blue
Favourite Hair Color: Dark--anything dark
Short or Long Hair: longish
Height: taller than me
Weight: no idea
Best Clothing Style: Relaxed
Number of Drugs I have taken: 0
Number of CDs I own: I dont do cds, I dl
Number of Piercings: 8 (4 in each ear)
Number of Tattoos: 1--soon to be 2
Number of things in my Past I Regret: too many to count

So....I've just gotten back from the Dentist's office. I had to walk both ways there, which is just TONS of fun. And because my jaw was held open for so long, it popped out of socket. So I can barely open my mouth, talk, or chew. I also can't forget to mention the subtle throbbing of the veins/nerves on the left side of my mouth. Because he had to put an entire new filling in, the old one had to be drilled out. And, because I had a root canal there....that's a lot of filling. And Nerves. And pain. And, when Dr. ____ stood up to change the mold, my eye was litterally an inch away from his 'little buddy.' Yes, I was literally close enough to give him a vasectomy. (And, let me tell you.....he has a rather large.....well, you know.) So I was thinking in my head, over and over....OhmygodhispenisisaninchawayohmygodhispenisisaninchawayohgodohgodohgodohgodIt'sstillaninchawaywhyw
ontitmoveohgodohgod. The situation, after the third revolution of ohgods, became hysterical to me....and I had to hold in giggles while trying to keep my mouth completely still. Hehe. The situations I find myself in. Well, it looks like I'm going to be taking the train back to PA, which sucks on soooooo many levels. This means I'll get to walk back from the train station. Oh, how fun. Well, it's been real, and it's been good, and it's been really good.
(Name the movie)
Ashley

Well. It's now 12:30 in the morning. I passed out this morning at about four-thirty; I was up at eight. To get some kind of rest, I took Benadryl and NyQuil (capitol N, y Big fucking Q! Anyone who gets that reference is amazing), which gave me two hours of blurred bliss. I think I was asleep, but it went too fast for me to be completely sure....and there was no REM. And, now that I'm in the unfortunate state of stone cold consciousness (and sure to be there for hours) I've nothing in particular to do. I woke up this morning from a bad dream ( I think...the memories are a haze that don't give any real clues), and when I say woke up, I mean went from sleep to awake in the .3 seconds it took my body to violently sit up. Whatever...I just really need sleep at this point. Apparently, I will be getting drunk this Saturday,which is cause for me to buy diet pepsi tomorrow after I pick up my iPOD. God, I'll probably be up most of the night loading songs. Well, it's time for me to try to get some sleep....like any normal person would. Ha.
Cheers.