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Jan. 7th, 2008

(no subject)

University break is too long. I want to go back; I'm sick of everyone here already. Only three weeks left.

Sep. 12th, 2007

(no subject)

So. I haven't been sleeping much lately. Not through the night, anyway. I was exhausted yesterday, having trudged across campus three times in the pouring rain, so I passed out at about 12. I woke up at three and couldn't go back to sleep. My 9am class was basically worthless because I've already taken notes on the first four chapters....and the class is only on Ch 1. Yesterday's classes weren't bad; my Avant-Garde film TA is kind of cute. He smiles a lot, I think reflexively, when he looks at the class. Which makes me realize that I don't smile much. Anyway. He's got a Mohawk and is probably all of 25, which means I really can't respect him as a teacher. I'm used to the age difference and have seen my own sister as a TA, so it just feels odd that I'm being taught by someone in that age group. But anyway. I hate being new on campus. I hate that I had to transfer, though I like the fact that my GPA got me a full scholarship, basically.

I'm in a bad mood, which isn't helped by the fact that I have to work all day Saturday.


Sep. 6th, 2007

(no subject)

Soundtrack to my life. Yes, I know it's dumb and completely randomized a la iTunes, but whatever.

Opening credits: Learning to Fly, Pink Floyd
Waking up: Instant Karma, John Lennon
Average day: Run, Snow Patrol
First date: In My Place, Coldplay
Falling in love: That Dress Looks Nice On You, Sufjan Stevens
Love scene: Analyse, Thom Yorke
Fight scene: Myxomatosis, Radiohead
Breaking up: Another Travelin' Song, Bright Eyes
Getting back together: In the Waiting Line, Zero 7
Secret love: Young Lust, Pink Floyd
Life's okay: Breakdown, Jack Johnson
Mental breakdown: I Can't, Radiohead
Driving: One Headlight, Wallflowers
Learning a lesson: Road to Joy, Bright Eyes
Deep thought: Keep It Together, Guster
Flashback: In Your Mind, Built to Spill
Partying: Angel, Massive Attack
Happy dance: London Calling
Regretting: The Sounds of Silence, Simon and Garfunkle
Long night alone: We Both Go Down Together, Decemberists
Death scene: Waltz # 2, Elliot Smith
Closing credits: Volcano, Damien Rice

Aug. 20th, 2007

(no subject)

I didn't have to work today, which was fine. I actually like my job now; faking walking pneumonia to get out of that nanny job is the best thing I've done in awhile. I met a few more people last night, which was cool. One's an first year in college, the other is a senior in high school. I feel old, almost, as I'm a sophomore. Speaking of which, I go back on the second,and I've found out the name of my roommate and such. She's called Lulu, which is good because her real name is ridiculously hard to pronounce; I'm not even going to attempt it. I've also been losing sleep all over the place; last night was worthless. I'm starting to feel it now. When I get up the room spins, and I've got that weird mounting exhaustion feeling creeping into my consciousness, along with myoclonic jerks every once in awhile. Whatever. I'm supposed to meet Shana tomorrow at some point, which sucks because I have to drive there and she never even offers to cover the gas it takes. I'm going to try to sleep. Maybe I'll actually get there tonight.

The ramblings of the sleep deprived.

So. I haven't actually slept in three days. Last night was....interesting. Shana and Kristen came over; we drank really, really cheap vodka, then went on a drunken walk. The town's a lot more interesting at night when you're plastered, I must say. I had to go to work today, which was fine because I had plenty of time to sober up; except I couldn't sleep. I tried to go to bed at around one or so, and it just didn't work. It was the weirdest feeling, going from drunk to sober. I got up in the middle of the night (actually, like 5 in the morning) because I thought my alarm had gone off.....turned out to be my imagination. Kristen really pissed me off because she tried to insist on driving home; I told her absolutely not,the whole point of her drinking at my house was for her to sleep there. So I hid her keys, then called her mom and told her she'd started throwing up and needed to stay over--mind you, I did this while the room spun around me. I'm such a lightweight; I had maybe 3 shots.

In other news, Steph's gone back to Indiana, which sucks. She and I get along (it helps that she's the most sane member of my family.)I miss her, which is weird for me, because I never usually miss anything. I say I do, but I'm usually relieved just to be left alone. I really, really need to get some sleep. I'm going to try now; I have to be relatively presentable for work tomorrow.

Aug. 7th, 2007

(no subject)

It's really fun getting stung by a wasp/hornet/yellow jacket. Whatever the hell it was, it hurt. It was even more fun when the venom spread to the surrounding muscle. I now have a six-inch area of muscle that itches like crazy and feels like its been injected with botox. Ugh. I'm bored. Shana, Kristen and I went running the other night, at like 8:30. It was nice to run in the cool after it'd been so hot these past few days. After than we jumped in the lake, which felt soooooo good. Driving home was the worst part. Sandy and Ken (they don't feel like parents) are beyond reconciliation, and I'm still wedged in between. Sandy's moving, actually. It's a nice place, and we're apparently getting a dog, (it's a mystery who'll take care of the thing when I'm at school, but whatever. I've already called naming it. It's going to be Artemis, for a girl or boy.) I find out whether I get the job at the week, which is good. Then I'll be gone, away to Amherst.

I've fallen in love with Elliot Smith; Waltz # 2 is one of those songs where the beat is cheerful, but the song itself is about a complete lack of hope.

Gee....that sounds familiar.

Jul. 31st, 2007

Note to Self: Never, ever let Steph suggest afternoon activities.

Yesterday I found myself floating--no, that's a word that suggest a gentle, lazy ride down a placid river--rushing down the Farmington river. Neither Steph nor I are experts--or even all that adequate--in rowing, but she insisted. So forty-five minutes in, we're coming over the first rapids...and we go over a rock that has left my ass with a lovely bloom of dark blue and purple colors. Along with a few scrapes from gigantic rocks that somehow hide themselves, waiting for the unsuspecting swimmer, I'm rather beaten up. Putting a cherry on top of the situation, a few (I suspect) drunken guys on inner tubes floated by, calling me Pocahontus because my hair was in a braid. Wow...what keen intellects. Anyway...she tried to talk me in to going camping today, but I put my foot down. Nature's fine, but I'm not going to have it shoved down my throat...not to mention the fact that I go into withdrawals if I'm away from my computer for more than 12 hours.

In other news, I looked at my phone and saw the carrier is now AT&T. I know they merged, but when the hell did the cingular carrier banner disappear?

Wow....I'm boring.

Jul. 29th, 2007

I'm officially not going back to sleep tonight.

When I fell asleep, it started as a normal dream. I was laying on a blanket outside in the sun. Then all of a sudden my arm started feeling itchy; I scratched at it, but nothing helped. Then, things started to move around under the surface. I started freaking out and ran to find my Dad, but he wouldn't bring me to the doctor's. I think I screamed or something, because Steph came in and shook me awake. I had been sleeping with my head cradled in my arm, in a position where my eyelashes were just touching my arm--and I was in REM sleep, so they were moving. I still can't shake off that creepy feeling, though. I wonder what the symbolism means.

Jul. 23rd, 2007

Just Like Any Other

I’m so hazy lately. I get frustrated and angry so easily; I can’t stand emotion anymore. I honestly can’t remember the last time I cried. I can’t focus either; I can’t watch movies anymore without wanting to fast forward; I skip to the end of books because I get so restless. Why can’t I focus? I can write papers, I can get 4.0s, but I can’t sit still long enough to finish The Graduate. All I do lately is run and sleep. I see Shana and Kristen sometimes, but even then I feel antsy. I have to move, have to keep going. I’m not bi-polar, I’m not even really all that depressed—I’ve just become static. Stagnant.

It doesn’t help that the parents are at each other’s throats, and I’m forced (once again) to play peacekeeper, mediator and referee. But I’m used to it. What else can I do? I take refuge in leaving—September 2nd isn’t coming fast enough.

When does life start?

Jul. 22nd, 2007

Patriot is another word for Nationalist.

Lately, my inner monologue has been directed at why I dislike my United States heritage (American would include Mexico and Canada, as NA is a continent, not a country). First things first: the accents. I was lucky enough to escape somewhat unscathed, as Ct has no real accent. Obviously, I speak differently than those in other regions, but what I mean to say is that I have no identifiable regional accent. You can't pin me to a map.

The next reason is fairly obvious: Bush was elected. Twice. The ignorance I see every day is staggering; I look around in fear at a mass of people who follow their leader blindly, too absorbed to question obviously immoral dealings. At the same time, my rights as a woman are being encroached upon as I type.

Americans are also xenophobic; they live in constant fear of outside threats because that's what is fed to them day in and day out.

The poor are suffering more than ever here, and health care is laughable. Education is all the more expensive, and job placement is at a lull.

Obviously, there's too much to go into right now, but I just had to get my thoughts out of my head before they drove me insane.

I just have to concentrate on getting out. My BA is my ticket to any good law school outside of this country. I plan to get away.

But I'm conflicted sometimes, because I like some things. I love getting in my car and seeing the scenery; I love Massachusetts in the fall. But this aesthetic appreciation is heavily outweighed by my need to leave.

Ugh. I'll write more later.

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